08.05.2010 - 06.06.2010
The last month has been full of events that I did not have time to record. I guess once you start running around and doing things, things start to shake and make a shift in your life`s events.
For one, I hopped a flight to Brazil spontaneously with a friend and checked into a $25 p/n hotel for 6 days in Buzios. It was a very nice place, but definitely not a destination to head for off-season. The town is adorned with big doors marking the entrance to the best clubs in season but this time of year, its just part of the typography. Thats all. There were a few good days and some nice restaurants, like David and Don Julio which were pretty good. It's really the St. Tropez of Brazil with all the little boats floating by the shore,the houses along the coast and the warm breeze coming into the bay. Pretty tranquil and picturesque but not a destination for two single girls. Wait, two restless single girls with a lot on their minds. Just before I left, I let the guy know that I was leaving and I received a call that I would be missed and that I should not worry, we would have more opportunities to see one another in the future. Pretty promising and sounds incredible. What a way to keep me hanging. So after 5 nights of self-entertainment in the hotel performing one-on-one karayoke for ourselves, endless conversation about relationships, and ridiculously romantic dinners for two, we were Rio bound.
One of the most disappointing places I have ever been in considering it was so expensive I resorted to sushi almost every day, ventured to Barra to buy a real brazilian but instead found New Jersey right in the heart of it all, and encountered strange scenes at the city's best night spots only to be carried to Lapa to taste some real Brazil where most of the people were either tourists or drunk locals hitting on the tourists, hoping to get lucky. I think that the only time I really enjoyed myself, where I could breathe and take in everything before me, was at Corcovado where I looked at Rio from above and enjoyed the peace and quiet, the air, the geography and the sea of course. It is a city that to me is highly overrated and it`s quite sad. Sure, the geography is great with the tropical rainforest surrounding the city, but really not much more than that.
One week later, I was back in Buenos Aires. Things felt SO much better and I was definitely feeling like a local coming home. It was wonderful. The next week brought on some romantic surprises which were clearly wonderful, considering all the thinking I had been doing back in Brazil about someone, which rendered no answers or clarifications.
A few days after, a friend arrived from Tel Aviv, giving me a taste of everything I know to be home. Along with that, came the time to encounter people from the near past, including one specific individual. He managed to create a stir inside, getting me to think about the feelings that I thought had been somewhat put to rest. It was not good. I realized how impossible it really is. How this person really does not have what it takes to make me happy, to keep me in love and provide me with what I need and deserve - at least not now. It was by far the biggest smack in the face and it hurt so bad I gave myself a 6 hour long heartburn during the course of the night. I haven`t seen or heard from him for one week now. Everything is for the best, I choose to believe.
As I was still digesting the conclusions of this bad boy, destiny brought a different person my way. Someone who makes me laugh like no one has for a long time. It is a wonderful powerful chemisty that I am very thankful for and one of the most surprising encounters, considering I have been here for 3 months and this happens on the last week I am here.
I had a very interesting job interview, the result of which will be known on Tuesday. However, even if I do get this position, it is time to move on and I dont know why, but it is. Maybe the timing is right now. I am now 3 days away from my departure to NYC. The option to extend my ticket is still there but I`m not sure I should do this any longer. At least not for now. I have given myself 3 extensions and after all, it`s 3 strikes until the decision is made. It`s not such a bad one really, considering this has been an incredible journey of so many ups and downs. It may be time to start looking ahead. Buy that laptop and work on the dream and business plans for the coming year. I have every intention to come back to Buenos Aires, stronger, happier and more whole with everything that is a part of me and who I am.
My time here has brought so many interesting people my way and so many opportunities to learn about myself. I need to trust my instincts and feelings and decisions. Even if no one in the world stands by me, I stand with myself and proud of who I am and what I have achieved. I recall writing this in one of my earlier blogs which only proves to me that this really holds true now as well, and probably always will. Being alone, having to make decisions alone, far away from my safety net, has not been easy and it still is very hard. My mind questions all that I do but I must know and believe that everything I chose is out of choice and because it`s what I feel is right for me.
I came all this way, almost one year ago to spend time with the man who shook my heart and now, after three months of being here again, having returned to travel and to see the world and if there was anything real between us and might never really know after all, there are some things that are lost but many things gained. After the end of my 7 year relationship, I thought I could never weep on something that hurt so much. But its not true. I did this time as well. I was touched far, far deeper than this individual even knows. This departure to NY is not going to be an easy one as I have decided to leave without saying goodbye this time, and I am not expecting a smooth landing for myself on the emotional and mental side but its a challenge I need to face. I think I need to leave here to know that I can come back.